Directions for making meals:

1. prepare food
2. heat that bitch up
3. smell the yummy goodness
4. resist urge to shove food in mouth
5. let stand 10 minutes before serving

Does anybody ever follow the last two steps? Anybody?

I can tell you who doesn’t. *points to forehead*

My Brain.

Because of My Brain, I have been victim to scorched taste buds and displaced roof-of-mouth skin on more than one occassion (lots more).

I know I should wait. I know I could possibly injur myself bad enough to lose my sense of taste for a few days. But I take that chance. “It’ll be ok,” I think.

It’s never ok.

I could spend hours preparing food. But the second it comes off the stove or out of the oven, I am unable to wait just 10 more minutes. And I don’t know why.

My most recent experience was when we ordered pizza. I grabbed a slice and bit into it. With my amazing luck a huge part of the cheese came off with my bite. Half was in my mouth, and the other half rested on my bottom lip. My first instinct should’ve been to spit it out. It wasn’t. Instead, I tried to slurp it up. The piece of cheese slowly dragged across my bottom lip and into my mouth, where it continued to burn the shit out of my mouth.

Smart move, Brain.

I was worried that I was going to wake up in the morning to a blistered bottom lip. And that I’d have to somehow explain it. I was lucky enough that it didn’t cause any damage. I only had a numb lip for the remainder of the night.

It’s not only cooked food. I fuck up on cereal, too. I fill my bowl with Apple Jacks and milk and instead of waiting for those sugary O’s to soften up a little bit, I go crazy on account of the sweetness and start on the bowl immediately. Afterwards, I’m left with the roof of my mouth tore up.

I’m an extremely patient person, but when it comes to food, every ounce of my patience goes out the window.

I woke up this morning in a funk. I wasn’t tired. I got almost 8 hours of sleep last night. I wasn’t hungover. I simply did not feel like rolling my ass out of bed. Instead, I grabbed my laptop and started reading blogs.

Sixty-seven minutes later I yelled at myself (I do that from time to time) and reminded myself that regardless of how crappy I felt, it was still Thursday and I still had to go to work.

Being a grownup and responsible sucks sometimes.

I grabbed the closest pair of shorts , sweatshirt, and shoes. Their colors were royal blue, gray, and hunting camo. I like to be the epitome of fashion when I walk the dogs in the morning.

After the walk, I still felt blah. I ate a bowl of cereal and then looked at the time. Oh Shit that is Holy, I really have to get to work! I showered, picked out something that is somewhat fashionable (I can wear whatever I want to work), and debated if I was actually going to “do” my hair.

What? Why is that something that I have to decide? I have a lot of hair. Brushing alone is a time-consumer. Straightening it takes AT LEAST 30 minutes, so that was out of the question. I decided to go the mousse route. It’s not difficult, I won’t burn myself, and doesn’t take too long.

The last few days I have been way lazy with my appearance. I just threw on jeans and a tshirt. I didn’t even bother trying to select a t shirt. I grabbed any from the millions of tshirts I have. And then threw a hoodie over it. And my hair – I was too lazy to do anything with it so I braided it in one single braid. I didn’t even bother putting any product in it to keep the flyaway hairs tamed. I felt like shit and my appearance mirrored that.

But today I am glad I bitch-slapped myself. I still didn’t feel great but this time I took the time out to do the ‘do and put on some nice clothes. In turn, I feel better.

And now, I can say with confidence, “go ahead and sit back there and say my hair ain’t luxurious when you know it is, bitch.”

Moral of the story: When you feel like crap, take the time out to make yourself look pretty. Because it’ll make you feel pretty, therefore extinguishing the shitty feeling.

For your viewing pleasure, a part of one of Katt Williams’ stand ups. If you haven’t watched Katt Williams, I don’t know what the fuck you are doing with your life: