I didn’t realize how fucked up their dog house really was until I came home and placed the new one right next to it. I mean, obviously I knew it wasn’t in good shape. But, damn.

But that’s precisely the reason it took me so long to buy them a new house. Why would I spend close to $200 for something that they’ll just devour whenever they get bored?

After unsuccessfully locating a used DogLoo in my area via CraigsList, I gave in and hit up PetSmart. It was getting too cold for them to be sleeping in a broken house.

I’ve been giving them rawhide treats in an attempt to keep them busy. It works. They both love that shit. But they go through them quicker than a roll of toilet paper in a house full of menstruating girls. Yeah, fuckin’ quick. I’d give Buttercup a big rawhide bone in the morning before I left for work and by the time I came home, it’d be gone.

I started getting worried that it was too much. I researched it and the only issues I could find were 1) pieces of rawhide breaking off resulting in possible choking, and 2) digestion. I’m not too worried about them choking on it (they do fine everytime I’m hanging out with them outside). But I am concerned about it taking a while to get digested. I can’t give Buttercup an entire bone each day, can I?

At the house I used to live at, they’d get so bored when I was gone at work that they’d either dig holes or chew on pieces of the fence or random branches they’d find.

They’re not the best behaved dogs. Well, Scrappy’s a good boy. And Buttercup, she’s good, too. She is just a huge bundle of infinite energy. And she has ADHD like a muthafucka.

Last night, my roommate and I had a meeting in the garage. The dogs always come hang out with us and I usually give them both a rawhide chip. But, last night I didn’t. They didn’t have anything else to focus on so they played with each other. It was crazy. Buttercup was running circles in the garage while getting in Scrappy’s face and/or putting his entire head in her mouth. Scrappy usually holds the fort down (the couch) and snaps at her ears or her lips. At one point, I had Scrappy in my lap and he leaped towards Buttercup like a flying squirrel. No joke.

They are definitely very entertaining to watch.

Anyways, I guess what I’m asking is this:

Do any of you have suggestions for chew toys to keep a big dog, with ADHD and lots of energy, busy so she doesn’t chew up the $170 dog house I just bought her?

Thanks in advance.

Oh, and in case you forgot which dog is which:

BUTTERCUP

(sitting right next to me)

SCRAPPY

(he likes to cuddle)

Remember when I bought the PVC pipes and sand and all that other shit at the hardware store almost a month ago?

. . .

That’s what I thought. I forgot about it, too. I finally worked on my little “project” and turned this:

into this:

Sorry. Bad photo-taking skills on my part. Basically, what you’re looking at is a homemade turtle platform chillin’ in some dirty ass water. (I think it’s time to upgrade to a better filter that can keep a 100 gallon habitat clean and save the 3 turtles from their nasty turtle shits.)

I had to make something because my little quarter-sized turtles have grown into some big, bad motherfuckers. Trust me, if I could’ve bought something for them to bask on, I would’ve. Wait, I did! They are too big and heavy for anything sold in stores. They’ve tried to get on these floating devices I bought for them, but they end up sinking or are only able to fit parts of their bodies on them before falling over.

It took me a lot longer to construct this than I originally thought it would. I don’t plan. I know it’s a bad habit but I can’t help myself. I always think, “I got this. It can’t be too hard. I’ll be done in no time!”

Measure? NO! Guesstimate!

Sketch it out? NO! It’s a waste of paper. Go green! It’s all up here anyways (taps temple)

One hour later I’m left staring at several cut up pieces of PVC pipes and T-connectors with a perplexed look on my face.

Motherfucker.

I forgot about the sand. Sand is heavy. My original design that I had *up here* lacked the support necessary for a container of sand.

(sigh) I eventually figured it out, though. Except … except now I realize that I forgot to spray paint it. Dammmittttttt.

Side Story: My roommate laughed at me while I was making this thing. I’m not really sure why. Apparantly, constructing things is humorous to her. I should probably mention that it started the night before when she decided to make fun of me by showing her friends the Antenna Booster I made. I explained what it was and her friend made a comment about getting in contact with aliens.

Whatever. Go ahead and make fun of me because I’m smart. Next time you need computer help, remember this moment. As a matter of fact, I’ll remind you if you forget. Ammo, bitch. Ammo.

**Quick note about Red Eared Slider turtles: They’re cute and tiny when they’re babies, but they are a lot more responsibility than most people initially realize. They can grow 10-12 inches which means you might need to invest in a larger tank. These turtles also live an average of 23 years. So if you decide to buy one for your kid, you might be the one caring for it when your kid takes off to college.**