Invading my personal bubble and telling me “I’m also a gay” will:

1. NOT convince me that you’re gay because who the hell says “I’m a gay”
2. NOT encourage me to give you money
3. Instead encourage me to punch you in your stupid face
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Stop and think about what you may have on your fingers before you rub your eyes really hard because it feels so good.

Like, after you’ve cut onions and jalepenos.

Cell phone, wallet, keys.

Check that shit before you pull your door closed with the handle locked.

Locksmiths are expensive

Soap makes things slippery. Be careful when washing your feet in the shower.

**if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm clumsy and fall a lot.

Foreign does not = stupid

Chances are they’re smarter than your dumb ass.

If a friend is having a bad day, show up with Nerf guns. No one stays sad when engaging in styrofoam warfare.